Category Archives: Diary

Distorted Forms

What works in the shadows rarely comes into mainstream discussion, and, when it does, it does so only fragmented. The crowd rarely sees anything clearly, and so they are doomed. A democracy works only with an enlightened population, and this population is slow.

I have seen some shadow work, and thus I am wise in some sense. I understand the utter state of corruption this world is in. How could I ever part with what is precious to me?…

This vast ambition. But they don’t know and they don’t understand, so I am left on my own. In some solitary confinement right in the center and heart of civilization. I could tell them of big dreams. But because they only see fragmented images, they will never know of it in its entirety.

I live in a constant state of dissolution. Whatever I put my hands on tends to melt and turn into absurd formes. What I touch does not turn into gold, no, more like morbid pieces.

I understand that there is danger at each step. It lurks behind the corners. I stare it right into its ugly face. But I will go on nonetheless, like a hero.

Then someday a big tree shall grow here.

What Little We Have To Do

If only you had it in you, no obstacle would be to hard to overcome. So you set out on your mission sure of yourself and your imminent victory. The gossip and chatter from the crowd is nothing to you. They can say and do whatever they like, it does not matter to us who are beyond it. We are precious and golden, and this world needs us.

Who can come to the right conclusion given what we have been given? But it is vital that we should do so. What is their intent? We set out like a mind reader, and if we should fail to do so, what horror would await us. Yet, this world needs us.

How do we convince others? Perhaps that is a futile mission. Instead, they will awaken the masses, so that we need not do anything except improve ourselves and our understanding.

The Summer That Never Came

If she was there for anything less than what became the outcome, she would have belonged to a fairy tale. Maybe our love was a bit to fierce. It became what it is, and could be nothing less.

We rushed into mighty despair. So it seemed our love was a bit like a catastrophe. Exchange “love” with “disaster”, and you are closer to the essence of what we became. In this case it wasn’t bloody, more like indifferent.

I do not want to hear more about love. What they call love is only superficial nonsense. True love is something far more rare. However, I do not want to hear about true love either. Give me nobility and transcendence.

They told us to love, but all we could do was to pretend. We became sick of love. We polished our ego instead, and what we called love was more like dysfunction. We took a troll to his cave and butchered it. That was our sexual appetite. That was our decline.

In hindsight I should properly have avoided her. It should have been clear at first that she was an annoying bitch. Lust provided the only motive for not walking away. Her obnoxious talk about things that didn’t matter.

This little poem that I wrote for her. It should have been clear at first that we were destined to ruin. The summer that never came.

Was I A Lost Soul?

I declined their amusing offering, so as to portray to them what would happen if they were mistaken. They pushed the offer into absurdity, and I did believe in it at some point. But I was unwilling to go with the trade, when I could not see all the way to the end. I knew of their sinister methods, so how could I trust what could not be believed by any credulous person?

However, I did want to believe it. The prospect alone made me famous, and that was enough. So I went along with them to the edge of the map, where things turned out to be nonsensical. Common cause/effect relationships did not function at this point, and everything was more dream-like and had qualities that would change in odd ways over time. This space was definitely heretical. To make such points in the face of God Himself.

I wasn’t tyrannical. I wasn’t oversensitive either. You could not say that I was happy, yet I had what others could only ever dream of and never achieve. In the face of all of this, I was an extremely powerful player. You could not say that I had earned it. I had dreamed of it, but had never shown any true potential. So it was gifted to me for free. Yet, I was not happy either. I was not depressed either. I was just moving along, sometimes taking extreme pleasure in myself, which is really a disqusting habbit.

It was like an experiment where the points were not fixed and everything was allowed for the sake of the fun and experience. We sought what could become of this show and menace. I did move along in this free territory, but I was just another lost person.

This Massive Ambition

We were entering into a subtle territory, when the terror happened. At first it frightened us, but we become used to the pointless killing. The space was vast, and it offered so many hints of what could become, if only the right pieces fell into position. We were untroubled by what others was doing, concerning ourselves only with the excellent, and not falling into the absurdity of modern living with its pointless entertainment and shopping.

If I was not myself, I might have had a quite life. Now I am myself, and so I am bound to this frail destiny. Always the wolves, who are hunting in packs. Always this damned insecurity about the end game and the results. They are marveled by the sight, even though they are not believers, for the play that we portray is immense. Had they only the courage to break free from their mental bondage, they would follow me on to greatness and ultimate fulfilling of all their deepest longings.

In the end it does not matter if it is correct or not. True or not, what we do is important and outer worldly. I have not seen to the end just yet, and I hope many more plot twists will come, for stifling boredom I hate most of all. I would rather have a merciful death than fall into obscurity. You should kill me rather than allow for decay and pointless debate. Though we do not love each other, we are set on this mission together, and so we are a bit like brothers, though so opposed to each other always. We are set on the same course and with the same purpose, and so we will succeed in the end always.

Whatever comes my way, I know that I can endure it for the sake of the end goal. I am sturdy and will take my chances rather than waste away. This ambition has always reigned in my heart, and I love it with a passion. Though we do hate each other, I know this ambition is familiar to you as well. It is most important. Through it all the sorrows of this world turns into ashes. If only it was fulfilled, we would be the happiest alive.

So go now and do the work necessary.

Diary Entry #1

In life there are may doors to open, and who knows what lurks on the other side? You can go along with the crowd, but they seldom come upon any great adventure, and so they mostly sleep walk through life, just copying behavior from the others. If you want a life full of excitement, you will need to thoroughly exit the crowd, and from there you must open your eyes to the grandiosity of the universe. Would you rather fade into obscurity, or do you want to come across an essence which cannot be explained to most people?

The divine mystery is a rare occasion. Its agency permeates the universe from the smallest particle to the greatest achievements possible to the human experience. It is not obvious that this is so, and so the mass of people do not know it, but it is there for the few who stumble across it. Then it opens itself and gives of itself in great glory, and you are transformed into a mystic, now able to decipher the riddles of the divine darkness, for you have seen what the others have not. Be blessed for that fact, though you must buy it with a great pain. For they rejected you, though they should have made you their own.

So what is it and what conclusions can you make regarding your journey? It is essential to find the answers to these pressing questions, but the only one’s who can truly answer you, are those who are your enemy, and the enemy will not give it up easily. So you must remain in obscure darkness, seeing only a little of the greatness. They will reveal it slowly, as they need to do this in order for you to realize the purpose they want you to fulfill. Yes, they too need you, and you rely on them for your great purpose, so we are set together like someone sharing a purpose, though we hate each other. But we must come to work together to fulfill the journey until we are at an end.

Perhaps others will come and make their home with you. Then they will give a little of their hearts and mind and you will come to know them. Do not be dismayed that they do not understand you, for it requires great understanding to do so. They might judge you, and so you must let them do so, as you know they cannot understand a person like you, or why you made the choices you did. That is not up to them to understand, and neither should they judge you.

A little further up the road is your home. You will find that it has been taken care of while you were traveling in unfamiliar places. Do not think that there is not a home for you, for you have deserved a place where you can prosper and live in peace. So much toil on this planet, and one day you will leave it, and will remember nothing from what happened in this realm. Then you are taken beyond this world, and you will rest among the angels forever.